I received an email today requestiong a copy of a piece that I wrote almost half-a-century ago called "A Camper’s Primer". I have located a copy for posting here. Here is is:
"A Camper’s Primer Puppetry Script" by Lionel Hartley, Stereo Publishing Co, Christchurch, ©April 1963, © renewed and updated to reflect more recent technology 2006, © 2011.
Hi. I'm your camping instructor. I am very qualified to teach you as I spent an entire Wednesday afternoon in a tent in my lounge-room braving all sorts of weather as I watched the BBC documentary "Pokey Dog Goes Wilderness Watching" with David Egg-in-burrow and Pokey the Plastic Poodle. I also crossed a busy carpark in the rain with bare feet! Listen carefully and I will give you the best advice any camper could possibly wish for. Here is a Camper's Primer in three easy lessons:
Lesson 1. Everything you need for survival in the wilderness must be carried on your back. You will fare best if you strap on an experienced camper.
Lesson 2. One skill all campers must have, is that of finding food in the wild. Always make sure you are no more than four minutes from a supermarket.
Lesson 3. Contrary to popular belief, electricity cannot be generated in the wild by rubbing two dry wires together. Lesson 4 (I know I said there were only three, but that was to grab your attention. Actually there are 29!!!)
Lesson 4. If you should find yourself lost in the wild, remember it is not considered good form to call out for your Mummy.
Lesson 5. A good rule to remember when packing your overnight bag is “Take nothing but photographs: leave nothing but footprints.” A second rules states that: There are two things you should never take on camping trips -The first is “too much”, and the second, “too little”.
Lesson 6. Proper nourishment is vital if you plan to trek over long distances. You can eat well and avoid delays if your partner will agree to carry the food while you munch on it.
Lesson 7. Always leave a campsite early in the morning. You will then have plenty of daylight later when you return to look for the things you left behind.
Lesson 8. Never worry about cooking plants you have found growing in the wild. You are perfectly safe as long as you don’t try to eat any.
Lesson 9. Photographs will remind you of just how much fun you had while living in the rugged outdoors. This is an excellent reason for not taking any.
Lesson 10. Cleanliness is important - a clean camper is a happy camper. He is happy because others in the party will let him sleep in the tent.
Lesson 11. Many campers are concerned about getting a stiff neck from sleeping all night on hard ground. Don’t worry. It is impossible to sleep all night on hard ground!
Lesson 12. Scissors should be carried at all times to modify trousers or sleeping bags that stretch in the rain.
Lesson 13. If you carry an umbrella, make sure it is packed in the bottom of your ruck-sack to prevent the likelihood of it ever getting wet.
Lesson 14. Rope tying is a valuable skill which can be practiced on your pyjama cord during those restless nights.
Lesson 15. Holes punctured in the roof of your tent will allow undesirable odours to leave the tent without clogging the doorway.
Lesson 16. Unless a semi-trailer is following you up the mountain, you should endeavour to pack no more than you would require if you planned on staying outdoors for twenty-five years at a time or more.
Lesson 17. Sponge cakes and custard pies should be packed in the top of your soiled laundry bag to have on hand to poison dangerous wild animals that you may meet in Australian wildernesses, such as giant bats, vampires, goblins, and boogie monsters.
Lesson 18. For ease of carrying, no more than 15 kilometres of electric cable (for your TV, or blow-wave hairdryer) should be carried on any given excursion.
Lesson 19. Never put a metal billy in your portable electric oven unless you don't intend switching it on.
Lesson 20. Because of the risk of "a-chillyback" syndrome, it is unadvisable to carry a full size refridgerator on your back when climbing up-hill - simply carry a stocked bar fridge, an ice cooler, a medium sized deep freezer, and an ice-packed chilly-bin or two.
Lesson 21. Contrary to popular opinion, it is possible to cram an entire scout-troup under a single umbrella without one person getting wet PROVIDED it is not raining.
Lesson 22. Automobiles should not be used when abseiling as the wheels are likely to be tyred.
Lesson 23. Video remote control units cannot be used to hasten, slow-down or pause an abseiler in descent. Scissors applied to the top of the rope have a more dramatic effect.
Lesson 24. A rope and a rubber bone are better fare than a plastic raincoat when the weatherman predicts that it will be raining cats and dogs. Hailing taxicabs is an unlikely occurance in the wilderness, but be prepared for reigning monarch butterflies.
Lesson 25. Orienteering using only a magnetic compass is best conducted in the safe confines of your tent to reduce the possibility of loosing your way before you loose your mind.
Lesson 26. Be sure to take your Bible on your camping trip. To avoid doctrinal error, take also a comprehensive Bible concordance, The Selected Writings of Pious Saints and an assortment of Bible dictionaries. A Bible handbook or set of commentaries may also prove useful. The 250 volume set of the International Encyclopaedia of Religion in hard binding would be a good choice, along with a canvas edition of "St. Paul's Tent Making Tips".
Lesson 27. Warning, submarine testing has proven that chocolate sponge cake and salted potato crisps are not waterproof over 5,000 feet above sea level if it is raining.
Lesson 28. After any accident you may be unlucky enough to succumb to, please check if your first-aid kit is in order. A compact mountaineering first-aid kit should contain at least one Doctor and two nurses, along with sundry medical supplies: Eg. an X-ray machine, CAT scanner, pathology and pharmaceutical laboratories and assorted bandages, splints, beds, etc.
And finally, Lesson 29. One sure way to camp out and still have all the comforts of home is to camp out at home.
Happy Camping.
Lionel Hartley
